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I'm Agnostic

2006-03-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

We don't know yet about life, how can we know about death?

K'ung Fu Tzu
(Circa 500 BCE)

It is for the good of the state that man be deluded by religion.

Marcus Terentius Varro
(circa 40 BCE)

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Voltaire
1694 - 1778

The Demi-Gods get the Joke.

God made them all

2006-03-04T21:14:00.000-07:00

All things dull and ugly

All creatures short and squat

All things rude and nasty

The Lord God made the lot

Each little snake that poisons

Each little wasp that stings

He made their brutish venom

He made their horrid wings

All things sick and cancerous

All evils great and small

All things foul and dangerous

The Lord God made them all

Each nasty little hornet

Each beastly little squid

Who made the spiky urchin

Who made the sharks? He did

All things scabbed and ulcerous

All pox both great and small

Putrid, foul and gangrenous

The Lord God made them all

- Amen -

Monty Pythons Ode to Creation

Always Look

2003-08-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
From the film "Monty Python's Life of Brian"
Words & Music by Eric Idle

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you're chewing life's gristle,
Don't grumble,
Give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the light side of life.
[whistle]

If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That's the thing.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistle]

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.
So,...

Always look on the bright side of death,
[whistle]
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
[whistle]

Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life.
[whistle]

Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]

Repeat to fade...

Shit Happens

2002-02-22T14:22:00.000-07:00

Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens"

Buddhism: If Shit Happens, it isn't really Shit

Zen (Rinzai): What is the sound of Shit Happening?

Zen (Soto): Shit just Happens

Hinduism: This Shit Happened before

Islam: If Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah

Nation of Islam: Don't take no Shit!

Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Shit Happens, Rama Rama *ding ding*

Agnosticism: Does Shit Happen?

Atheism: No Shit!

Catholicism: Shit Happens because you are BAD

Protestantism: Catholics are full of Shit

Methodism: Let Shit Happen to somebody else

Calvinism: Shit Happens because you don't work hard enough

Lutheranism: Shit Happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK

Anglicanism: Shit Happens, but only to Lutherans

Mormonism: Excrement Occurs

Baptist: You're Shitting all wrong, and you're going to hell for it.

Christian Science: Shit is all in your mind

Existentialism: What is Shit anyway?

Hedonism: There's nothing like a good Shit Happening

Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock. Shit Happens!

Televangelism: Your tax-deductable donation can prevent this Shit from Happening

Fundamentalism: There's no Shit in the Bible

Judaism: Why does Shit always Happen to us?

Moonies: Only happy Shit really Happens

Mysticism: This is some weird Shit

Unitarianism: Go ahead, Shit anywhere you want

Vegetarianism: If it Shits, don't eat it

Scientology: All this Happens to be Shit

Seventh Day Adventist: No Shit on Saturdays

Amish: Shit is good for the soil

Stoicism: This Shit is good enough for me

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this Shit

Voodoo: Let's stick some pins in this Shit

Twelve Step Program: Shit Happens one day at a time

Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable

New Age: It's not Shit, it's feldspar

God and Beer

2001-05-08T17:29:00.000-07:00

Ten reasons beer is better that religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured for his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait more than 2000 years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Beer Trivia

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb."

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors were not pleased, and called Admiral Vernon "Old Grog", after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy," a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.